my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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