Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
