I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
