last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
