take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
