So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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