i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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