She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
