Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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