I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
