I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
