the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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