New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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