And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
