so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
