Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
