I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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