At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
