I am puke
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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