If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
