All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
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He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
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We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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