i permit you to call me
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
