Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
