Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
