..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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