You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
she smelled like a LAN party
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
