Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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