I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
