Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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