Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
