so that wasnt chicken after all
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
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Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
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The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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