I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
