Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
