Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Houston, we have a blender
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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