why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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