The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
