My underwear smells like fireworks.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
