He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
