There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
