Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
