yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
