Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
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I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
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i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again