I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"