I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
