I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
