just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
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Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
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her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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