I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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