I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
