Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
