there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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