you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
