Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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