what day is it and did you see me today?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
