Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
