My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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