last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
