What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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