At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
