Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
