just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
