Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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