I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
