i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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