So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
