So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
