I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
